You're hungry, but I'm starving.

Okay, not much to say, just a picture I took of the laundrettes in East Barnet village. It looks grim and I like it.

Been listening to Jennifer's Body by Hole on repeat for the last two days, I think its brought my trashy grunge side out, girl grunge ftw...ha

Tomorrow is London with spam and tom, probably to a gallery...(I must be productive)

I also bought a new webcam, its fitted with a microphone already, so hopefully i'll think of something interesting/funny to say and vlog it. I also joined dailybooth today. I've turned into a blogging freak, but it makes me feel like I've achieved something at least

Only in the agony of parting do we look into the depths of love.

I have lots of plans for this coming week. To start with I think I'm seeing Ponyo On A Cliff By The Sea at the Prince Charles Theatre, it seems to be the only cinema playing this movie, I missed my chance last week...

Then its writing a review and making my puppet for my new blog, lots of photo taking of laundrettes and recordings of the washing machines and editing them on Photoshop with the help of Tom...and perhaps making a small film. Also getting my tattoo booked, and then getting my nose pierced and changing my hair colour. The things that make me have confidence and build up my inner strength...I suppose thats sad really.

I got paid on Friday and I've hardly spent any of it, I have no reason to, its nice watching my money build up. I've saved lots of credit too, no more late night phone calls or Msn or Skype conversations, now I sleep better...with the help of alcohol...Shame I still feel lonely as hell. But everyday has its ups and downs. I can't keep waiting around for things to happen, I have to get off my bum and make it happen...I'm wondering where my passionate side went, Tom said I'm hardly like how I used to be anymore. He said he misses my childlike innocence the way I get excited about stuff and how passionate I can become, I feel like its slipping through my fingers. But maybe its because I feel I have no one anymore to express it to or maybe I just can't get excited in the same way. This sounds depressing but I feel like part of me is dead now. Getting my head stuck in my imaginary world seems to be the only thing pulling me through.

I found out today a friend from sixth form, Jack has come out of his coma after the tragedy on new years day, I have no idea of the other details, except for the discovery of Chelsea's death last night after her brain surgery. My heart goes out to her and her family. God knows how Jack will take all of this the loss of two of his close friends, we have dealt with the loss of Carrie for months, to be hit with this all in one go is devastating and frankly heartbreaking. I really don't know what to say, its all a big shock and has brought back a lot of emotions, especially remembering Carrie and everything, it's rather hard to think. And none of what I'm saying feels enough. But I love you darling Carrie, and my heart goes to you Jack and most of all right now Chelsea and her family

When there are lines upon my face from a lifetime of smiles,
When the time comes to embrace for one long last while,
We can laugh about how time really flies,
We won't say goodbye 'cause true love never dies,You'll always be beautiful in my eyes.

Alien...Origins?

Yesterday I had work, I worked ridiculous hard and spent the last two hours reading about Ridley Scott's Alien Untitled Prequel...I am a huge lover of the first Alien, Aliens and Alien3. Let's not talk about Alien Resurrection

To me Alien (1979, US, Ridley Scott) is a masterpiece, It is one of the only films that is truly so compelling and ultimately... timeless.

Alien is my favourite film of all time, along with Fight Club. No words can really describe my infatuation with them both, they are the real reasons why I study Film and Film Analysis , they are my true loves; something that no one can take away from me really. They make me happy, very happy. This all seems obsessive but I'm enjoying getting keen about them, I always do. I sit for hours at the pub reciting quotes, describing scenes to my best friend Tom and listening to the soundtracks on long walks, sending links, looking at film boards and reading the psychoanalysis studies of them both in the university library .

So back to Alien the untitled prequel, I am nervous about this really. I have full faith in Ridley Scott, I trust him to do a good job on the look and feel of the film and hopefully he will use as little CGI as possible. But to go the the script... its the most troubling and worrying for me, trust me I am craving an alien film but its just to go back to the birth of the Alien to uncover the secrets is to ruin what was so haunting in the first place. I was completely docile to the sight of an Alien by the 4th film, Aliens ruined the scare factor. I just saw two many aliens by that point, it was just.. I'm just nervous about the leaked script, which I'm pretty sure is a fake I couldn't handle the idea of this Harvest set up...oh and they mentioned it in 3D lord help us....

' It's so much better to leave the mystery intact, and let the boundless imagination in your mind deal with it'

Chuck Palahniuk

I truly love this man, from the moment I first watched Fight Club my love began from that moment. Hearing about the fact Fight Club was indeed an adaptation of a book, straight away I ran to my local bookstore and I remember picking up Fight Club from his collection on the bookshelf and flicking through the chapters, and reading line by line and being immediately mesmerized by his words, his books almost written as poetry. And the love still hasn't stopped and it never will, he is a genius in my eyes. One day I will finish his collection and I think at that moment I will be complete; he is an incredible author, someone I am jealous of but so glad exists, and his dark imagination is for some reason so uplifting to me, so moving to me. I enjoyed Choke more than Fight Club and Haunted was well, haunting but yet so beautifully breathtaking. I take satisfaction in the fact I was able to find him at a young age and study and appreciate his work for the rest of my life. One day I hope I will get the chance to be at one of his readings and shake his hand and look into his eyes and well up like the nerd that I am.

Urrrmazing

I would love this as a wedding cake. My perfect Alien loving man and I, with this beautiful cake. It's genius and slightly tacky and I love it.

Insecurities

I have a lot of insecurities, everyone does. It's natural. It's natural to be afraid of what lies ahead.

'Insecurity is a feeling of general unease or nervousness that may be triggered by perceiving of oneself to be unloved, inadequate or worthless'

I don't feel as if I'm unloved or inadequate or worthless but I don't feel happy. Not as happy as I am normally. Not as happy as I was not longer than a few weeks ago. But everything is upside down and I can't see, it seems foggy and so unclear. I'm in a bit of mess, a bit of a rut.

I stand here 3 days a week on my way back and forth from university , I stare into the black tunnel and I look at the shape of it and how it connects with the structure of the building. If you haven't noticed I'm slightly into my buildings and oddly shaped roofs and woodwork...

The last picture is of the roof of our local pub. I was enjoying staring at it for a while and I thought how beautiful it looked compared to the shabby building it belonged to.

A mother is a person who seeing there are only four pieces of pie for five people, promptly announces she never did care for pie..

I thought I'd show you, some small things that mean a lot to me. Firstly my cat, Georgie. If you know me, you'll know how obsessed I am with cats...kitty kitty kitty meow meow meow. Anyway this cat, she's an odd one, she always was as a kitten. Jumping on my back and letting me carry her everywhere just resting on my shoulder. She loves attention, most cats are independent but this cat wants to be wherever I am, she watches me pee, take a shower, eat my breakfast and my dinner she even sleeps next to me or on my head if Im unlucky. I love her smell, if Ive had a long day or I've been crying my heart out, I just rest my head on her and listen to her heartbeat and smell her catty smell. hehe I am weird I know..

The other thing I am thinking about a lot, is my collection of Native American Turquoise...okay its not a collection, I really want a collection though. I guess my dream in life is to collect as many things as possible. This includes, comics, films, Chuck Palahniuk books, figurines from movies and comics, jewelry. stones, vintage film posters and artwork, fairy lights, doc marten boots, Hummel shoes, a collection rare breeds of cats and a few chihuahuas would be nice. also some rats and octopus statues and artwork.. The most perfect gift I could receive is someone picking out just the right type of stone. I only have two rings of this turquoise, I think one is Persian Turquoise to be precise. But anyway, I'm looking forward to buying a necklace off of Etsy! my very mostest favourite website for handmade and artsy things. I wish I could own everything on that site.

What else have I done. Oh its happy mothers day, I bought my mum some flowers and a card. She was really happy as her flowers had died earlier yesterday morning, so she was happy with her replacements. I've rented a couple of films from work, the film.. Adam (Max Mayer, 2009, USA ) its about a young man with Aspergers syndrome and a young woman who falls in love with him . Another little something to keep my brain occupied. I had some messed up sleep last night. I went to bed at 4pm, yes early I know. I had a bit of a late one, that means I didn't go home till 2pm the next day...ha

but yeah, so I slept from Saturday at 4pm, till Sunday at 11am. Ha I had some very fucked up sleep though, with lots of sweating out and odd dreams. I wont go into them, they were very dark. Stuff I only dream about when I'm really bothered by something, and I haven't sorted it out. Anyway working at the rental store for a few hours, reading some of my book and eating dinner with my family always seems to settle my crazy thoughts...

This is what I need, but not yet!

I just had the best Jenif realization today. It's taken me 2 months and 2 days, to finally realize what the cunting hell this is all about. I'm listening to the most cheesiest drum and bass ever and I couldn't be happier. It's just now Friday the 12th of March. Its been well over 2 months since I left James, to try and seek my own inner happiness without the comfort of a man, to enjoy the things that make me, me. I've managed to see the real me finally poking her head out from behind the door. I've learnt that waking up every morning now knowing from the comfort of my own head and heart that nobody loves me right now is what I've been waiting for, a stepping stone. I have my beautiful family and my wonderful friends, but I do not have the love of a man, and this isn't scaring me. I'm not frightened and I definitely do not feel alone. This is a big step for me, if you knew me; if you'd known me from day one. But you're probably not knowing the first thing about me, and thinking you silly bint. But I'm really happy. I'm going to go to bed in a minute, take a deep breath and start again and this time do it all for myself not for a guy.

Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind. ~Dr. Seuss :)

I think a very special person will now what I mean from these photos and what I look forward to in the future. That they know its about time Jenif put all her energy into being creative and smacking this degree up hard!

Don't follow your dreams; chase them.

Sorry I haven't written in a while, I've been bogged down with an insane amount of work and my brain is trying to get itself in gear. Also I've been trying to deal with the lack of serotonin levels in my body. Hopefully by the end of the week all will be grand and I may be a happy lady..

We shall see. I don't really have anything inspiring to show you. I haven't taken any photos, maybe a few videos from Hospitality, but the quality is awful and just doesn't do a great night justice, and sadly no shitty drawings. I guess I've been really busy. We'll maybe not. I sure have been thinking. Thinking of ways to get myself happy again. I feel like I've been doing so much to please other people when really, this is me time now. The whole reason I wanted to be single was to enjoy my own time. Which I am now making a conscious effort to do so. It's not hard to make me happy, show me a good film, tell me a nice quote, tickle me, make me smile, stroke my hair and tuck it behind my ears. I guess I'm missing a closeness with someone, someone to hold me.

But besides I've had a wicked day at at the Parasol Unit exhibition - to do with moving image and film!, I wrote practically all my essay on Blade Runner and I managed to go the pub and see my friends for a quick sailor jerrys and now I'm sat at home listening to my favourite Camo & Krooked before bed.

I've just got to be positive! tomorrow I will take photos, tomorrow I will have a good time. Tomorrow I may fall in love!

A real friend is one who walks in when the rest of the world walks out

mmm seafood!!. miam miam (thats French for yummy by the way) eheh. So thought I would upload some photos of Camden, how I see Camden anyway...I never look at the stalls...well only when I'm shopping, but most of the time I love checking out the structure and the lights. It's all the pretty colours, silly butterfly. I managed to buy a denim jacket, and I bought personalized little badges and I bought a new Persian turquoise ring! only cost me £10 which is very cheap so a very very happy Jenif! I also saw some lovely black hummel high tops that I would of loved to have got for hospitality on Friday...there is still time.

I've had a lovely few days hanging out with my best friend of 7 years. Natalie. She means the world to me, I'll upload a photo of us together sometime. But I'm glad she's home, knowing shes around gives me confidence. I've missed her more than words can describe. I'm glad to know she's going to be somewhere safe with the comfort of her friends and family whilst Noel grows up.

We were meant to sketch up some women today, we both seem to have a fascination with illustrations of quirky girls. with big eyes and black hair, which is all spindly and flowing. Nat would get what I mean!

I attempted to draw a pretty girl, instead I ended up with a freak called Elspeth, I imagine her to carry around a kitty in her pocket and an umbrella in her hand at all times because she doesn't have eyelids so shes worried about the rain drops in her eyes. (that's her at the top!)

Kenny. I'm tired and I want to say more but its very cold in my room. I have a day off tomorrow so I'm sure I'll bore you with my thoughts tomorrow.

One thing I will leave you with, my very interesting lecture today. We were asked to talk about Auteurism and whether it applies to us viewing films today, ''is the notion of the auteur dead?'' Well we were asked to pair up with someone beside us and talk about whether or not we follow directors. So I asked the girl next to me if she follows any particular directors. And she turned to me and said, ''I only watch what is current and what has good reviews''. My blood began to boil, and I could feel my head beginning to unscrew and the kettle steam pouring out of my ears. She asked me the same question, and I replied and let those directors flow off my tongue..I began with David Fincher, the look of confusion appeared on her face. So I reassured her with, '' You know the guy who directed, Fight Club, Alien 3, Zodiac, Seven...'' She replied with '' Yeah I know that film, Oceans Eleven right?''

My palm slapped my forehead, very hard and then I Face Planted the table. There is now a bruise...

Toast and Marmite

Yawn..

Good morning. Toast Time...

I really just want to lie in bed and watch 'Alien', but university must be attempted. I think I wont listen to dnb on the train today, maybe read my book instead, 'The Wind Up Bird Chronicle' by Haruki Murakami. It needs to be finished so I can begin his other books...he wrote another book about the Oedipus complex, which of course grabs my attention because of the relation to Greek Mythology & Psychology, apparently there is more talk of cats, talking cats I think...Oh dear my ever growing obsession with kitty cats (meow)

I keep thinking when I get this degree done, I should maybe to go back and study Classical Civilization or at least try and turn into a cat...

...Here are a few pictures I took near New Barnet & Potters Bar train station...I really enjoyed taking them and I think they came out pretty well. Maybe I'll take some more like this tonight...

Let us, therefore, live but one day at a time

I am going to fill my brain with lots of knowledge today. I have the films Tetsuo and Tetsuo II to watch. I'm going to have my notepad at the ready, and study more on Japanese history in the 90's so I can fully apply it to my question on National Allegory.

I am going to learn new things and take my camera out with me tonight I think. I'm going to go to the launderettes to continue my project and record the sounds of the washing machines as they spin around and around. Take pictures inside the bowl and of all the knobs and buttons and take pictures of myself sitting inside them, that’s if I can fit...

I think I'll take pictures of the streets too, what the launderette looks like from the outside and the streets that surround it .

I love that scene from 40 days and 40 nights where they spend their time getting to know each other inside and outside the Launderettes. The scene where Shannyn Sossamon's character dances around with her huge headphones on.

Even in Fight Club the scene where Marla Singer steals jeans from the launderettes and argues with 'the Narrator' I just want to be transported there and I cannot explain why.

There's something so fascinating to me about the streets a night. I feel like I might venture into London and find myself a coffee shop and walk around London looking for interesting shots. I guess this is why I love London so much, so much vibrancy at night, but yet I can come across the darkest eeriest places and I cant help but fall in love with them. The dripping pipes, the long staircases up to flats, the lampposts towering above me the lights inside flickering on and off, that greeny yellow gradient to the night. Sometimes it appears blue with the moon shining down on me.

Last night I walked home from the bus stop around the back roads, and I looked above me and the moon looked so brilliantly white. The light poured through the thick clouds. I felt at peace and looked around me I could of stayed there for hours, and all I wished is that I could have someone with me at that moment to share it with.

I'm going to grab some toast now and hopefully my camera will be charged. I'm excited!