I think it's been getting easier, but I'm not really sure, keep thinking something drastic needs to happen to pull me out of this.
I'm not looking forward to going back to university tomorrow, all my work hanging over me. I seemed to have gotten used to waking up at 3pm everyday, thinking tucking myself back into bed is the easiest thing to do, and it is. Just means I get up with so much to do that I just return to my bed and watch films. Every morning I wash my hair in the shower and look out onto my garden letting the water pour over my face, getting out drying myself and walking across the hallway into my room and looking at myself in the mirror and not really liking how I look in my reflection. Putting on my makeup and giving it a brave face, walking out onto the grass outside my house and looking up at the sky and standing there for a moment and rolling a cigarette. Then I walk the back way and down to the station. Brushing my black hair our of my eyes, tucking it behind my ears and pulling my hood up over my head. I wrap my arms around my stomach to ease the daily feeling of sickness. I step onto the train with a book in my hand and my headphones on. But I don't read my book, I just look out of the windows of the tube, sometimes its sunny and sometimes its raining, but it doesn't matter, I stare blankly and my mind wonders off..and back to the same repetitive thoughts. I hope it stops soon, I'm not doing my heart and my head any good for thinking the way I do right now.
So sometimes I think about jumping on a bus or a train to somewhere... anywhere but here. Like Enid does in Ghost World.
Speaking of which, I think I'm gonna tuck myself in bed with Ghost World and officially start my scrapbook/work journal to add to my final work....(its the one about washing machines :) But being who I am. I wont. I'll just stick on another film and fall asleep to it