Happy Birthday Sam!

It's a bit late I know, your birthday was the 16th, but everything I kept taking pictures of didn't seem right. I wanted to do something you'd actually like. But you probably won't like this much either!

I know you take pictures of pure moments, ordinary life that becomes something special at the touch of a button because you notice the little pleasures in life . The post-it note above has been next to my computer stuck on my wall for god knows how long, and every day it reminds me to be happy, when I'm feeling low or I feel like life's too hard. I just look at that little post-it...

I stuck on a note for you too, to wish you a happy birthday Sam and to be happy :)

Much love to you Sam x

http://www.andinmyhandsacamera.com/

Perhaps this is what we need. A dream, a hope for the future, something to aspire to, and perhaps we need to keep replacing this dream with something a little bigger because when we manage to fulfill the dream, we usually find that it's not what we wanted in the first place. Or if it is, it doesn't feel the way we always thought it should. Sometimes, if you're very mixed up, very stupid, or very thoughtless, you screw up the dream just as you get it. You tell youself you don't deserve it, and you have to start all over again.

As you close one door, another one opens.

the picture above was taken when I was 16. I've changed so much since then. I'm becoming who I want to be and I look forward to whats in store for me next...

Bubba Noel

Today was spent seeing my beautiful Godson, Noel. Whose mother, Natalie, is my best friend of 7 years.

She means the world to me, and so does little Noel. or as I constantly seem to call him 'Nosey Noel'

He's always staring, he is just so curious and sometimes you can be taken aback a bit. He stares so intensely into your eyes it can be rather spooky. But he's just constantly trying to work you out. He's slowly beginning to warm to me, he smiles when I speak to him, on the occasion. He doesn't cry when I hold him and I'm slowly getting more and more comfortable with nattering away to him, and not just waving or saying hello. We played in the pool a bit, and I was pretending he was a pirate and putting on an awful accent 'yo ho yo ho a pirates life for me'. But he really was just more interested in trying to drink the pool water and squeezing on his rubber ring.

That foxy looking beauty, is Joey, beautiful cat. I'm obsessed with him every time I'm at Nat's. It was also Carries remembrance concert today/ tonight, was good to see people and celebrate her life. I'll make a separate post for that tomorrow. I'm too tired from dancing terribly.

Sleep well all.

May I never be complete. May I never be content. May I never be perfect. Deliver me, Tyler, from being perfect and complete.

"More and more, it feels like I'm doing a really bad impersonation of myself"

Today I wrote in the brand new diary my mother gave me. I haven't written a diary entry in years. I kept ripping the pages out; I always have this tendency to lie to myself to ease my own troubles and despair. But for once I just sat there took a deep breath and wrote a list.

I don’t mind writing this out, means I've got to bloody well stick to it.

- Stop lying to yourself Jen.
- Be less selfish, give as much time for those you love as you can and listen hard.
- Don't act upon the need to be wanted, you are all you need.
- No more attention seeking.
- There are these things called consequences, think about them and before any impulse ask yourself
' what will happen? '
- Don't over think the past, go with the flow and look forward to the future.
- Don't always blame yourself.
- Sometimes it's good to follow your own advice.

Tomorrow I visit the doctor, 10am. I'm nervous; scared to maybe tell someone what’s really going on in my mind. I've needed to seek some help for a very long time. Maybe I'll finally find what’s really troubling me and why I am the way I am. This is probably a bit too intense for a blog entry, but I haven’t really got anyone to tell these things to anymore. It hurts, but it is my own fault. I am a cowered when it comes to apologies, however this time I feel 'I'm sorry' will have no real effect and will not suffice. So it's time to do some real soul searching (on my own and without the help of friends, although I may need them right now I will have no more blabbing and feeling sorry for myself). It may be one lonely hell of a summer. But I really want to achieve something. I really really want to change.

I started my Newt's Tale script today; I'm looking forward to working on it intensely and pushing all my energy into it. I have to channel these feelings somewhere.

Finished the Alien comic Joseph gave to me, it was a wonderful little read and spurred me onto writing this evening.

I also began Zombie Survival Guide by Max Brooks. Its having me crapping my pants already. Good stuff.

No photos today I'm afraid, but instead a little something I found on Cgunit a while back. I do fancy a walk in the dark but I'd like dog to keep me company, if I had one. I watched The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo yesterday; she made me want to become a computer hacker. Another aspiration to add to my ever growing list...

One last thing, before bed. I got my results today. 2:1's in Film and a 2:2 in photography. I do feel good. But I've also been let down by a piece of work I submitted online in May, the front desk are saying it was not submitted. When I clearly did submit my work. I have evidence, but now I have to appeal. It's not very fair really. But we will see.

Everything is going to be just fine.

A Little Something

I compiled this photo of a few of gifts from my birthday. Each one means a lot to me, explains how much people really care and are so very thoughtful.

Charlie - Ernie, the little landscape book about a cat called Ernie and his mischievous antics. Me and Charlie share a love of everything that is kitten like, big cats, small cats, cats riding tortoises, cats climbing slides, cats licking foxes...kittykittykitty

Tom - Alien Figurine, I believed I was a true geek, but I wasn't. I got too damn god excited and ripped the packaging and got out the Alien. And screamed like a kid, then I stood him up against the music box and admired him. Then later on in the night I found him with his legs missing and one of his feet on the kitchen floor. Stupid me for letting him out of the box and not being a true geek. I may have to go back to Forbidden Planet and replace him, and keep him in the box this time. Thank you my favourite Tomiz for this gift that is so very me, I'm sorry I let my childish insanity escape and in doing so freed the monster, Ripley would not be proud.

Mum and Dad - Grunge - Michael Lavine Photography a book I have been obsessing over every time I step into Waterstones, something that reminds me how I want to dress and all that is fantastic and dark about the late 80's through to the mid 90's era of grunge music and fashion. Thanks ma and pa.

Laura - All Saints skull necklace, beautiful and so very me, I love it and will forever wear it, thank you my twin.

and last but not least...

Joe - Alien Comic (Newt's story) it was so worth travelling and paying the money for. Collecting it from the Post Office made it a bit more exciting, waiting there to have it passed to me. I ripped the packaging open and welled up at the sight of it... The very gay geeky note from you made me smile so very much, so I took a photo of it too. Thank you from the bottom of my heart. Especially the fact it's newt's story and it will help me so much when writing her character for my script.

This is just a photo of the presents that represent me best and also show what great people I have in my life that know me so very well...Thank you

Jenny x

Listening to: Thomas Newman - Route

My 21st

It's now 3 days since my 21st and I feel as if I'm only just recovering. My throat is in agony and I'm just getting my voice back...probably didn't help I went drinking on Sunday evening with Alix. Oh to explain the madness that is the decorations and fancy dress for my party its the Day of the Dead/ Dia de los muertos. I just fancied a Mexican themed birthday party. But being me I always have to involve something a bit Gothic...I cooked lots of Mexican food, served Tequila, Corona and Sol! and everyone came in fancy dress. Plus I set up a huge amount of Mexican themed decorations, including flowers, skulls, guitars and candles. (there are more photos to add)

To be honest this little surprise: http://www.andinmyhandsacamera.com/2010/07/happy-birthday-jenny.html I found today has put the fattest smile on my face made me feel like people really do care.

I suppose I've had a bit of the after party blues, spent cleaning the garden of broken pots and glass and scrubbing carpets... and maybe a few apologies to be said. But right now I feel like cowering in my room with plenty of comics, films and books - including this blog to keep me occupied.

Listening to: The xx