Thursday, 29 April 2010

Everyone's in their own personal coma

I just had a conversation about books with my friend Tom again. If you haven't already realized I do love a book or two. That picture was taken by Tom at a house party, I have no recollection of this...although however I was asleep. Haha.

I look so settled, off in a dream world, like how I feel when I read a book. The whole world around me moves fast and I'm sitting there with a book in my hand, letting it pass me by.
I'm currently reading Diary - by Chuck Palahniuk. I finished The Wind Up Bird Chronicle (which I began late summer last year while I was with James) on Tuesday. It left me feeling slightly uneasy that there wasn't a full explanation to the curious incidents, but yet I was content with Murakami's last words. I didn't really expect to have the whole story explained to me in a paragraph, I like the fact it left me with no particular ending, just like life, you carry on. The book was left at a point like a the ending of a relationship, it ends but you carry on living and so does the other person. I felt like the feelings of Turo Okada, Kumiko and May Kasahara carried on and the world they lived in is still there.

Listening to: Bjork - Hyperballad

Bird Dream of the Olympus Mons

Okay so a few more project photos for you. Sadly I've noticed with my work there isn't really a recurring effect. I have used a mixture of old and new effects, but I've done it according to how each launderette appeared to me. I would also like some photographs of more of the people I meet. The gentleman in the last photo was a character, he's wearing a can kind of guess the rest.

Listening to: Spandau Ballet - To cut a long story short

Wednesday, 21 April 2010


New world forming
Picturesque in its stance
Midnight calling
Moonlight shadows start to dance

For the dark finds ways of being
Engraved in the light
And the heart bears indentations
Of yesterdays hurting child
The now we will run with smiles
The morrow will heal the night so
Morning comes
Midnight make fast with the sun
I can hear my name be reborn
On the cloud within the sky beneath the dawn

This is Georgie my 10 year old cat in my garden watching a bird as the sun goes down. Taken on Monday night after dinner.

Listening to: Emiliana Torrini

Sunday, 18 April 2010


I need to get to work, need to get out of my house. I can't wait to take more pictures like these, can't wait for a sunset later I want some big clouds and lots of pinks and yellow and oranges. mmm.
Woke up to find a text I never would of expected. It's sent me a little bit insane, but wasn't I already?
I can't believe how early it is, I was so bored I reactivated my Facebook, I'm sure it will be gone by this evening again. I have so much coursework to be getting on with. All my deadlines are for next month. A month could be said to be plenty of time. Not for me, I'm a daydreamer, therefore setting the simplest of tasks is affected by my inability to concentrate on the real life, I will switch off and go tumbling into dream world filled with the craziest of thoughts.

I'm looking forward to sitting on the bus on the way to work, reading the rest of my book and letting the sun warm up my face.
Then I have the exciting task of all my work duties then homeward bound at 5, maybe I'll take some photographs or maybe I'll watch some of the many films I rented from university. Oh the choices...

Listening to: Snow - Emiliana Torrini

Check that out! something I can only dream to achieve later this evening...

Friday, 16 April 2010

its 5.05 am and I'm sitting here asking the horrible question that plagues my mind every night and day.

Do you still love me?

Because I'm still sat here waiting for you.

Thursday, 15 April 2010

Fisherman's Woman

"If you only read the books that everyone else is reading, you can only think what everyone else is thinking." - Haruki Murakami

I haven't really achieved anything today, sadly. I have my review to finish on Kick-Ass then maybe I'll finally finish The Wind Up Bird Chronicles in bed with a cup of tea.

I want to be standing there right now, completely naked with my hair blowing gently in the wind. I want to lift up my arms and feel the wind blow between my fingers and the spray from the ocean land upon my face.
How I long to be beside the sea. Pack my bags and go to the seaside. Read a book and sit on the rocks, search for sea creatures in the rock pools. Run into the waves, let them crash against my pale body and let the sun beams dry up the beads of salty liquid as I lay on the rocks and sand. It is something I so desperately crave. I am a cancer after all...

University tomorrow, pah

Listening to: Emiliana Torrini - Heartstopper

Tuesday, 13 April 2010

Find out what you're afraid of and go live there

I don't know where to begin really. I haven't got heaps to say. I just felt like sitting down and speaking my mind for a while, get a few things off my chest.
I feel myself changing more and more everyday. I'm finally allowing myself to plan the future and not just live in the present, or mull over the past. Changing my lifestyle to better myself as a person. I'm really enjoying this 'me' time, being creative and being productive is getting me out of this mental rut. I suppose I have this blog to thank. It gives me great pride. I've been sleeping slightly better than I have done in weeks and I think things can really only get better.
I was teary this morning, slightly weary...I just feel I am better off alone, for the time being anyway. Even around my friends I'm beginning to feel distant, but this doesn't bother me. I just don't get irritated in my own company, I'm not angry at anything I'm not confused and I'm not afraid. Around others I can sometimes feel more lost than ever, I hear myself speak and then I think to myself that I'd rather just read a book, or stare out of a window or pick up my camera and go for a walk. Sounds depressing, but it really isn't, not anymore. I just need a break, its all this constant drama. There isn't drama in my little room, or when I go out on little adventures. Sometimes I wish I could enjoy it with someone, but then I remember everything I've been through and my imagination just sounds so much better. I think about my future house, a tiny beach house with tall wooden bookcases filled with leather-bound books and the beautiful Rex and Siamese cats I'll own that will sit proudly on my huge cushions on my worn sofas. The constant smell of burning incense that will drift through each room of my open plan house, my big wooden oak tables, the big carpets that will lay over the dusty floorboards. The shelves filled with small statues and sculptures that I have collected on my travels, and I'll have a small rowing boat that I'll row out to sea on my own and I'll strip down and jump into the water and swim as deep as I can go, pretend I am a mermaid

I think about how I'll look, I'll have big dreads in my hair and I'll wear big woolly jumpers and big rings on my fingers and big boots on my feet.

I look forward to this so much, It will be my happy place after I explore the world.

The pictures above are of the beautiful trees along my road and of my soup...

Listening to: Fleetwood Mac - Dreams

I would just like the add this quote however.
"In this world, there are things you can only do alone, and things you can only do with somebody else. It's important to combine the two in just the right amount."
Haruki Murakami

Monday, 12 April 2010

Crackity Jones

This is how my project is coming along so far. So much more to do, but I think my hard work is paying off. I've added some Photoshop to them to quirk them up a bit. I may stick with more natural looking photos for my final piece. But I like mucking around and seeing what different effects I can create. Once I get my 120 films developed I'll scan them in and show you guys. Thanks for reading!

Also check out Sam's work...I'm really really loving it at the moment :)

Listening to: Satellite Heart - Anya Marina

Tuesday, 6 April 2010

I feel ecstatic, The day began with me waking up to my alarm at 8am. I roll over feeling sick and nauseous, push the snooze button and hug my pillow tight. Eventually I get up and look at my timetable and realize university doesnt start till next week. rad. So off I go crawling back into bed with Zodiac playing on my small television, I finally get a call from Tom at noon telling me to get up and get on with my day, so I do.
It takes me till half past three before I've left the house, but there I am with a rucksack and my camera bag, filled with my diana+, my canon SLR and my analog canon. I'm ready to do some work!
Tom meets me outside the launderette in East Barnet Village, and I point and show him the two old gentlemen sitting in there. I had previously entered to find them eating chicken and looking rather mentally unstable to say the least, I quickly turned around and ran out of the shop. Tom just laughed at me as I sort of whimpered and suggested that we try the other dry cleaners which have an orange set of washing machines...
We arrive and its owned by some woman, which immediately makes me nervous, I don't want to start taking photos of her shop..and I didnt really want to ask permission. I don't find the idea relaxing, some woman standing over me watching me take photos. I'd do a hurried few shots, that wouldn't of been worth the effort.
So I decide we walk back to the other launderettes and see if the old boys have bogged off. And they had! so I went in and just spent a good hour or so taking photos whilst Tom drew. I just loved the feeling of getting out and doing something, being productive; sitting here talking about it makes me feel even more so. I'm proud of myself I suppose.
So we finished up, thinking that it would be cool to come back later when it was dark and take a few more. But it gets dark at around 7.30pm and it would of been closed by then. So we decided to go have a meal at the Bell ( my local pub) we met up with Hannah and her friend Danielle, stopping off first at the Party Shop, and flicking through the folders trying to find something suitable for Bang Face. Obviously we didn't and instead decided that buying a detectives badge and plastic gun for DI BEAVE would be more fun.
We get to the pub, have a laugh with Hannah, and sit down to a kenny dinner, of beer and burger with onion rings. miam.
Then I head off in the car with Tino, Beth and Hannah, whilst Tom has his lesson for his animation class.
I buy 6 becks and sit at Adam's for a while, then by 10.30 I'm walking back to Tom and sitting in his room with him, pouring out my heart as usual, but it always makes me happy. Tom always sorts me out, I know that as long as I have Tom close then all is going to be okay. Like he keeps saying ''Can't you just be happy in the company of your friends''. And I know I can, as long as he's there of course.
So the first picture is of his room, I'm sitting at his desk. ( I thought I wouldn't bore you with more pictures of washing machines and put up some more personal things)
The second is one of the Siamese twin cats ( they're not joined, aha) but she follows me all the time on my walks to university and sometimes I bump into her on the way home. I couldn't get her to face the camera, so instead you get a nice shot of the back of her head ( her fur is gorgeous though)
And the third is of the Silver Birch tree outside my house that I can see from my bedroom window. I love the white bark, the way you can peel it and it seperates into thin papery plates.

Listening to: The Pixies

Monday, 5 April 2010

Sweet Disposition

I think it's been getting easier, but I'm not really sure, keep thinking something drastic needs to happen to pull me out of this.

I'm not looking forward to going back to university tomorrow, all my work hanging over me. I seemed to have gotten used to waking up at 3pm everyday, thinking tucking myself back into bed is the easiest thing to do, and it is. Just means I get up with so much to do that I just return to my bed and watch films. Every morning I wash my hair in the shower and look out onto my garden letting the water pour over my face, getting out drying myself and walking across the hallway into my room and looking at myself in the mirror and not really liking how I look in my reflection. Putting on my makeup and giving it a brave face, walking out onto the grass outside my house and looking up at the sky and standing there for a moment and rolling a cigarette. Then I walk the back way and down to the station. Brushing my black hair our of my eyes, tucking it behind my ears and pulling my hood up over my head. I wrap my arms around my stomach to ease the daily feeling of sickness. I step onto the train with a book in my hand and my headphones on. But I don't read my book, I just look out of the windows of the tube, sometimes its sunny and sometimes its raining, but it doesn't matter, I stare blankly and my mind wonders off..and back to the same repetitive thoughts. I hope it stops soon, I'm not doing my heart and my head any good for thinking the way I do right now.

So sometimes I think about jumping on a bus or a train to somewhere... anywhere but here. Like Enid does in Ghost World.
Speaking of which, I think I'm gonna tuck myself in bed with Ghost World and officially start my scrapbook/work journal to add to my final work....(its the one about washing machines :) But being who I am. I wont. I'll just stick on another film and fall asleep to it