Wednesday, 7 July 2010

"More and more, it feels like I'm doing a really bad impersonation of myself"

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Today I wrote in the brand new diary my mother gave me. I haven't written a diary entry in years. I kept ripping the pages out; I always have this tendency to lie to myself to ease my own troubles and despair. But for once I just sat there took a deep breath and wrote a list.

I don’t mind writing this out, means I've got to bloody well stick to it.

- Stop lying to yourself Jen.
- Be less selfish, give as much time for those you love as you can and listen hard.
- Don't act upon the need to be wanted, you are all you need.
- No more attention seeking.
- There are these things called consequences, think about them and before any impulse ask yourself
' what will happen? '
- Don't over think the past, go with the flow and look forward to the future.
- Don't always blame yourself.
- Sometimes it's good to follow your own advice.

Tomorrow I visit the doctor, 10am. I'm nervous; scared to maybe tell someone what’s really going on in my mind. I've needed to seek some help for a very long time. Maybe I'll finally find what’s really troubling me and why I am the way I am. This is probably a bit too intense for a blog entry, but I haven’t really got anyone to tell these things to anymore. It hurts, but it is my own fault. I am a cowered when it comes to apologies, however this time I feel 'I'm sorry' will have no real effect and will not suffice. So it's time to do some real soul searching (on my own and without the help of friends, although I may need them right now I will have no more blabbing and feeling sorry for myself). It may be one lonely hell of a summer. But I really want to achieve something. I really really want to change.

I started my Newt's Tale script today; I'm looking forward to working on it intensely and pushing all my energy into it. I have to channel these feelings somewhere.

Finished the Alien comic Joseph gave to me, it was a wonderful little read and spurred me onto writing this evening.

I also began Zombie Survival Guide by Max Brooks. Its having me crapping my pants already. Good stuff.

No photos today I'm afraid, but instead a little something I found on Cgunit a while back. I do fancy a walk in the dark but I'd like dog to keep me company, if I had one. I watched The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo yesterday; she made me want to become a computer hacker. Another aspiration to add to my ever growing list...

One last thing, before bed. I got my results today. 2:1's in Film and a 2:2 in photography. I do feel good. But I've also been let down by a piece of work I submitted online in May, the front desk are saying it was not submitted. When I clearly did submit my work. I have evidence, but now I have to appeal. It's not very fair really. But we will see.

Everything is going to be just fine.

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